Divorce is such a common thing lately, especially in the democratic countries of the West World.
Quite a lot of habits and lifestyles changes have brought this, and though personal human rights and freedoms are in the center of attention right now, leaving a marriage leaves a big mark on the individual. And mostly, children are the ones who suffer this.
Dr. John Gottman, a known couple’s therapist shared for an Interview which I red in some magazine that there are common mistakes and, as he referred to them, “silent killers” in the relationship that lead towards divorce, and it is there before you even had the time to realize it.
Unlike major and obvious reasons, such as gambling, cheating, leaving a double life, the silent ruiners of a relationship aren’t easy to spot and it seems as they’ve came out of nowhere, when they strike you.
Here are the 7 most common mistakes that aren’t quite obvious, but the majority of couples who eventually got divorced, struggled with before their divorce, by the experience of Dr. John Gottman.
1. Invalidating emotions
It’s so easy to let this one “slip by” right through your finger, mostly because in a marriage, you’ve grown into each other and don’t really pay much attention to the little things.
If your partner says they’re feeling asleep, you say “it’s not that late still”, or, “You haven’t done any work today” and similar things.
On long tracks, this can ruin the affection and compassion between the partners, as the feeling of invalidation would come over, developing a strong sense that the partners are disconnected from each other.
2. Avoiding obvious conflicts
If you think that keeping silent is going to be the key and you’re going to grow old together, just keeping silent and never mentioning what was truly bothering you at some time – you can’t be more wrong.
It’s better to have a reasonable conflict or even a dramatical quarrel, because it is healthier to let the emotions out instead of keeping them inside. That’s the easiest way for resentment and negativity to step into your relationship and start devouring it slowly.
This is a deep feeling that comes in all sorts of different forms. Partners might keep on with bringing up their past experiences, or become passive-aggressive, or even become snarky about certain topics and it wouldn’t be easy to have a discussion on many topics, or, they might even become sarcastic, or careless. This is again a sign of disconnection and lack of relevant communication, instead of the superficial “what are we going to eat tonight”, or “How was today at work” questions.
4. Lying about finances and money problems
You can’t buy love, but money surely can trigger a lot of uncomfortable situations in life. The thing is that in today’s society, where there are less housewives than before and everyone is bringing their split into the household, most of the couples keep their finances separate, which is a major issue for divorce and selfishness, keeping them apart from the “one whole family” they are striving to become.
Most fights happen because usually, one of the partners spends more, or the partner just can’t figure out the same necessity for things as the other partner.
5. Unresolved trauma from the past
We all come with some burden in the relationship, though, it mostly depends in which age and time of life the partners became a couple. Though it is not a rule, but relationships that occur as a second marriage, or later in life, when there are much stuff that happened previously, suffer the most.
However, it always comes to the character and temper of the actual people in the relationship – how they manage to handle past experiences. People who were cheated have a big fear of letting their partner go out alone, have weekends with friends abroad etc.
This is a phenomena that happens when a person withdraws or shuts down during an important discussion or a big argument. This happens due to a lack of respect for the partner, that’s why they shut down and aren’t able to furthermore discuss the issue. You can’t really solve a problem if only one of the partners is willing to discuss and come to the root of the problem.
This is probably the biggest problem that leads to a divorce. Most of the times in a relationship, one of the partners stops their personal growth and becomes more devoted to the relationship.
It is not wrong to be devoted, but it is very wrong to stop investing in yourself and become totally lost in the WE. Change is inevitable and if both of the partners aren’t changing and growing together, eventually, they will split their ways.